No matter how fucked up in the head I get, I KNOW that my mind is my own. I find it really condescending when other people try to tell me how I feel or emote their opinions about what they THINK I am thinking. If I tell you that I'm fine, I'm fine. If you keep telling me I'm angry, even if I'm not at first, it IS going to piss me off eventually and make me angry. If you THINK I'm being mean by staying quiet and trying to mind my own business, then you really don't have a clue about who I really am. Having major depression and anxiety disorder means that a significant amount of the time I am not happy with the world. Having people constantly argue with me, accuse me of being "mean", and dealing with the double standards of others only makes my mental health problems WORSE.
IF I actually said and/or acted out every thought that came to my mind, well I'd be dead, having ended this suffering a LONG TIME AGO. Constantly being called out every time I have a depressive or anxious episode only confirms the thoughts I have about society at large. If I tell you I don't want to talk about something, it's probably because that subject is causing me mental anguish. As if you care. How could you possibly understand what's going on in my mind when you're too busy trying to fit me into YOUR perception of reality. If I need or want help, I ask for it. And I certainly don't need every Jung or Freud with some psychology to re-diagnose me and my mental health status. If I don't ask for help, I don't want or don't need it. I've lived with my problems long enough to know myself pretty well. I DON'T need ANYONE else to tell me how I feel or what I think. I don't need to be told my thoughts and feelings are irrational, and I DAMN SURE don't need to be reminded of what REALITY is.
Reality sometimes sucks. People sometimes suck. The world sometimes sucks. If this makes me negative... FINE. Either accept me or don't. I don't need the constant judgement or the transference of YOUR insecurities onto me, I have enough of my own without people trying to make me feel worse. I already feel bad enough most days without the added stress put on me by others who can't, won't, and never will understand or accept my mental conditions.
This posting is therapeutic for me. I realize for some it may come off as a bit negative. Today's posting is no different. I don't like taking about personal information like my health... Especially my mental health. I suffer from major depressive and anxiety disorders. I cannot cure myself of this affliction. This blog may be depressing because I suffer from depression. It IS all in my head. I know this. I'm not the first person to have a difficult life. I've been through things that I wish upon no other person. I need to let some things off my chest. I don't really care if anyone reads this posting. It's for me to talk about my feelings about depression and anxiety.
Depression hurts: mind, body, and soul. There is no denying that. I would imagine it is supremely difficult for a lot of people to imagine fighting a war nearly daily inside your own mind. It feels as though there is an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil sitting on the other. Sometimes it feels out of control to feel helpless, hopeless, and depressed, even when we are surrounded by loved ones. Somewhere in the brain there is a neuro-chemical process that isn't working properly. It could be damage from either of the two times I had a rare form of bone cancer on my skull along with the radiation therapy and chemotherapy to my brain. Could be from the nervous breakdown I had in the Navy where the cheese slid off the cracker. Many years of drugs and therapy later and I still get episodes of depression that I absolutely HATE!!! Just have to weather the storm inside my mind of irrational thoughts, uncontrollable feelings of anger, hopelessness, like everyone would be better off not having to deal with my issues. There are days waking up when my soul hurts, balls to bones and everything between. My being aches so badly that I don't even want to get out of bed. I suffer from migraines which are only worsened by the feelings of pain. I want to pull the blanket over my head and hide away from the world, kinda like agoraphobia. I get social anxiety. I feel overwhelmed at times. Often I feel guilt because I think I make other people unhappy. They don't get me because I'm the little black cloud in the room, trying desperately not to upset others. I'm often lost in thought and find "normal" human interactions to be rather senseless, boring, and/or frustrating. I feel like I can't talk to people because I'm fucking up their happy mojo by just being me. I won't say everything, BUT a lot of what I say gets taken out of context or misunderstood. For this reason, often I would rather just forgo the episodic conversations about things others either don't care about or will NEVER UNDERSTAND... and YES, once again... I know it's all in my head.
I'm not angry at other people being happy. I'm upset because I think people who don't suffer from depression expect those that do to just somehow be able to just snap out of it and stop our neuroses, but we can't.
Right, wrong, or otherwise we are stuck with this sickness and it becomes a part of who we are. To those "normal" people, it may seem illogical or weird to try and understand a person with depression and anxiety. I personally don't think anyone cares or really wants to know what I think most of the time. I started this damn blog to release my anxieties because it's often easier to write into words what you can't seem to get right into speaking. What a conundrum to try to explain what it feels like. How about the thought of being in so much pain, for reasons no one understands, that ending the suffering is all that is wanted. If you don't know then you will never understand. I think others with depression like myself try to be good people to our families, our friends, co-workers, and others. No one really wants this illness. Try as I might, I don't really think it's going away. Somehow my brain got fucked up and now I have to deal with this shit.
IF I actually said and/or acted out every thought that came to my mind, well I'd be dead, having ended this suffering a LONG TIME AGO. Constantly being called out every time I have a depressive or anxious episode only confirms the thoughts I have about society at large. If I tell you I don't want to talk about something, it's probably because that subject is causing me mental anguish. As if you care. How could you possibly understand what's going on in my mind when you're too busy trying to fit me into YOUR perception of reality. If I need or want help, I ask for it. And I certainly don't need every Jung or Freud with some psychology to re-diagnose me and my mental health status. If I don't ask for help, I don't want or don't need it. I've lived with my problems long enough to know myself pretty well. I DON'T need ANYONE else to tell me how I feel or what I think. I don't need to be told my thoughts and feelings are irrational, and I DAMN SURE don't need to be reminded of what REALITY is.
Reality sometimes sucks. People sometimes suck. The world sometimes sucks. If this makes me negative... FINE. Either accept me or don't. I don't need the constant judgement or the transference of YOUR insecurities onto me, I have enough of my own without people trying to make me feel worse. I already feel bad enough most days without the added stress put on me by others who can't, won't, and never will understand or accept my mental conditions.
This posting is therapeutic for me. I realize for some it may come off as a bit negative. Today's posting is no different. I don't like taking about personal information like my health... Especially my mental health. I suffer from major depressive and anxiety disorders. I cannot cure myself of this affliction. This blog may be depressing because I suffer from depression. It IS all in my head. I know this. I'm not the first person to have a difficult life. I've been through things that I wish upon no other person. I need to let some things off my chest. I don't really care if anyone reads this posting. It's for me to talk about my feelings about depression and anxiety.
Depression hurts: mind, body, and soul. There is no denying that. I would imagine it is supremely difficult for a lot of people to imagine fighting a war nearly daily inside your own mind. It feels as though there is an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil sitting on the other. Sometimes it feels out of control to feel helpless, hopeless, and depressed, even when we are surrounded by loved ones. Somewhere in the brain there is a neuro-chemical process that isn't working properly. It could be damage from either of the two times I had a rare form of bone cancer on my skull along with the radiation therapy and chemotherapy to my brain. Could be from the nervous breakdown I had in the Navy where the cheese slid off the cracker. Many years of drugs and therapy later and I still get episodes of depression that I absolutely HATE!!! Just have to weather the storm inside my mind of irrational thoughts, uncontrollable feelings of anger, hopelessness, like everyone would be better off not having to deal with my issues. There are days waking up when my soul hurts, balls to bones and everything between. My being aches so badly that I don't even want to get out of bed. I suffer from migraines which are only worsened by the feelings of pain. I want to pull the blanket over my head and hide away from the world, kinda like agoraphobia. I get social anxiety. I feel overwhelmed at times. Often I feel guilt because I think I make other people unhappy. They don't get me because I'm the little black cloud in the room, trying desperately not to upset others. I'm often lost in thought and find "normal" human interactions to be rather senseless, boring, and/or frustrating. I feel like I can't talk to people because I'm fucking up their happy mojo by just being me. I won't say everything, BUT a lot of what I say gets taken out of context or misunderstood. For this reason, often I would rather just forgo the episodic conversations about things others either don't care about or will NEVER UNDERSTAND... and YES, once again... I know it's all in my head.
I'm not angry at other people being happy. I'm upset because I think people who don't suffer from depression expect those that do to just somehow be able to just snap out of it and stop our neuroses, but we can't.
Right, wrong, or otherwise we are stuck with this sickness and it becomes a part of who we are. To those "normal" people, it may seem illogical or weird to try and understand a person with depression and anxiety. I personally don't think anyone cares or really wants to know what I think most of the time. I started this damn blog to release my anxieties because it's often easier to write into words what you can't seem to get right into speaking. What a conundrum to try to explain what it feels like. How about the thought of being in so much pain, for reasons no one understands, that ending the suffering is all that is wanted. If you don't know then you will never understand. I think others with depression like myself try to be good people to our families, our friends, co-workers, and others. No one really wants this illness. Try as I might, I don't really think it's going away. Somehow my brain got fucked up and now I have to deal with this shit.
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