Driving For Dummies

Welcome back my friends. This is the Quiet Mouse doing a follow up blog to the popular "Driving and Shopping". I didn't want to really have to go there again, but it seems like I need to. Lets get started. For those that don't remember or did not read the previous blog.... GO READ IT, DANG!!
For those that do remember and DID read it, then you know how I made the analogy between the rules of the road and the rules of the grocery store. They ARE the same. Remember: STAY ON THE RIGHT!!

So to avoid the point of redundancy, today I would like to talk about the pedal next to the accelerator, and for those who drive a manual transmission, it's between the clutch and accelerator... figure it out?
The BRAKES!! Well, more specifically, the overuse of the brake pedal.
I am quite confident that we've all been down the road and been behind that really slow a$$hole who is camped out, la di dah, in the fast lane. What is worse is that periodically, this menace to the road will unannounced and unexpectedly jam on the brakes. This person will hit the brakes when there is no other car in front of the vehicle for at least a couple hundred feet.
You could land a JUMBO FREAKING JET in between this jackwad's car and the next one in front of it!!
What's up with the braking buddy? Then I look over, once I have to pass on the right and it's a 70+ year old woman with glaucoma and cataracts with 4 inch thick coke-bottle glasses who can barely even see over the steering wheel. Go home and smoke some grass, Grandma!!

The point is that traffic can be dangerous when there are too many TIMID people on the road. Driving is specifically geared for type A personalities. They are the ones who rule the road. Keep up or TAKE THE FREAKING BUS!! There is NO ROOM for weak stomachs on THIS ride!

My next point will probably offend a few people, but so what? Get a fat straw and suck it up. I'm sure that the majority of my readers are adults. This isn't a PG-13 blog! It is R, as in restricted.
I'm gonna call you out now. You don't have to stand up or raise your hand, I know who you are and so do you. If you have to look side to side to figure out who I'm talking about... it's probably YOU!
All you sissy suckers with NO sense of direction who can't even remember street names or simple directions to a place you've already been a thousand times: WTF is up with the excessive use of GPS? Are you really that keen on Uncle Sam's cracker ass monitoring your every position from an outer space satellite?
But even beyond the illegal and unconstitutional spying issue (which there is one)... YOU are the people slowing down the traffic as well!! Don't you get it? While you are busy playing with your neat little toy, rather than using your senses, you are DISTRACTED from driving while you are staring at the dashboard.
How bout we try this really simple idea, okay? Look UP and READ the signs to see where you are going.
"Don't you think you're being a little harsh, Quiet Mouse?"
Huh? Oh I was distracted and didn't hear ya... over your 10,000 decibel sound system that is sh-sh-sh-shaking the shit out of my POS car.

Okay, okay... I WILL ADMIT that in certain places the road signs are NOT as readable or visible as they should be. Things like this happen when you allow other people like the TEA PARTY to convince you that you DON'T need to pay your taxes. About half this country isn't paying them (??)
Guess that's why we can't pay our teachers or road maintenance workers, but I'm sure that'll be the topic of yet ANOTHER blog ;)
Perhaps I am misunderstanding of things? You see, I still remember when we did NOT have life's little conveniences like cell phones and GPS. I remember when you were happy to have some peace and quiet time during the day when the phone wasn't bleep bleep, bleepety bleeping all the damn time. Coming home to check the answering machine used to be fun. Anyone still remember the times when things were simpler? When we didn't ALWAYS have to be plugged into the Matrix. We didn't ALWAYS NEED the thought police to tell us where to go and what to do... do you remember?
Throw me a bone here folks. This wasn't that long ago. It wasn't in a galaxy far far away. We aren't living in the dark ages any longer. Has the social ADD gotten us so far gone from REALITY that we have forgotten not only where we have came from, but also where we are GOING? Besides ME... does anyone know how to read a MAP any longer?
What happened to Geography class? The majority of Americans don't even know where they are in THIS country let alone our place in this ever shrinking planet we live on. Do you know where China is? Europe?
That's where all of our jobs are going... might do you some good to find out if you don't know my friends!

My point is that we have made things MORE difficult with technology and ignorance than they ever needed to be in the first place. As I stated before: put DOWN the cell phone while driving. Put away your eyelash curlers and makeup. Get  your thumb out of your butt and your finger out of your nose and get with the program. Eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, or 4th meal, whatever, BEFORE you start driving. The least you have to worry about is the inevitable heartburn you're gonna get from that greasy drive-thru dollar menu mystery meat sandwich you just bought. Or the diarrhea you'll get from the day past expiration mayonnaise they gobbed on it, lol.
Getting off subject... Let's recap the main points here:
1) Stay in the RIGHT lane!
 2) DECELERATE rather than needlessly jam on the brakes. One false brake movement will cause a chain of braking behind and all around you. Even the dude in the next lane over is braking cause he doesn't know what the hell you are doing either!! Are you merging? Are you having a seizure?
3) Look at the road, NOT your GPS or worse, the damn TVs they have in cars now!! You do NOT need to watch Sponge Bob in the car!!! Your ADD kids can play with their Nintendo DS just like all the other kids do.
4) LEARN HOW TO READ A MAP and FOLLOW ACTUAL STREET SIGNS!!

Listen, I know this is difficult, but like most things in life, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Anything worth having is worth the effort it takes to get it. Don't become complacent with ignorance and laziness please!! Of all the times to unplug, even momentarily, from the Matrix... it really SHOULD be this time while you are driving.
Oh, but wait, isn't that the reason your steering wheel is next to your chin and the airbag broke your arm against the window. 10 and 2 doesn't work for an airbag... How bout trying 5 and 7 next time :)

This has been the one and only Quiet Mouse! Respect the rules of the road and your fellow drivers, PLEASE!!
Peace. Love. Respect. Honor. Truth.