It is often misperceived in our society that men don't care about their children, especially after divorce... I'm here to tell you that at least for one man, it hurts... a lot. Marriages dissolve, people change, life happens... but it is difficult to be chained to a past relationship when there is children involved... especially when those two parents no longer get along. My friends, this is the Quiet Mouse.
When a man chooses divorce over trying to work it out, no matter how hard was tried, no matter how many times reconciliation was discussed and attempted, and no matter how much it hurt inside, he knew it needed to happen. There ARE men out there who abandon their responsibilities as a father and there are a LOT of single mothers out there now, many living off of government assistance. It is a different scenario entirely, however, when the man DOES indeed want to be part of his children's lives, but is precluded from doing so by a scornful ex wife. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. Often many think that it is just difficult for children and the mother, but it is often overlooked that the dad suffers equally, and even fewer take into the consideration of the effort put out by friends and family to mend the broken hearts of a failed relationship.
Two people, with the best of intentions make children together with love and the cycle of life begins anew. Relationships are strained by hardships and sometimes you find that the original reason you fell in love with someone no longer really applies or you discover that person is not the one. Sometimes you discover a whole new side to your partner that you didn't know was there. Life puts you through innumerable daily challenges that can make or break fragile emotional bonds. It doesn't mean that either one is a bad person if a marriage fails. It doesn't mean that there was a lack of effort, although that could be a factor too, I suppose. Some people just give up and stop trying, feeling as if the best efforts went in vain.
I hate that feeling when children are stuck in between two parents who don't get along. When feelings of betrayal, anger, and frustration take root it is sometimes hard to see past what you WANT TO BELIEVE. This isn't always in congruence with reality, sadly to say. Even if the father is not physically present (due to divorce from mom), that DOES NOT mean that he divorced the children too. This is often misperceived and is untrue in some cases. Again, yes there are some dads who abandon their kids, but it aint me, this fella. I love my children with a lot of heart and soul. I even felt like my heart got bigger when they were born. I am sorry for the behaviors that led they and I to this point where I rarely get to see them. I have tried to be strong for so long and I am afraid that a part of my spirit is broken, for I see no end to this misery in sight. I fear for the relationship deficit between my children and I, another state away, while I am out of sight and out of mind. It is worse when the mother is intentionally trying to sabotage the parent/child relationship out of spite.
Often the dads just give up because they are tired of fighting with the mom, full of false expectations of behavior when it is just enough for the child to have the father there spending quality time. Post divorce doesn't have to be a mountainous roadblock where the dad is left out of the picture and his needs of parent/child time are neglected. Dads can be strong and a good positive influence, I assure you and that time is vitally NEEDED by the kids, separate from the mother. Children NEED positive influence from both mother and father, despite divorce. It does more harm than good for a scornful mother to refuse the children to see their father, and dad's new girlfriend, who actually makes dad happy, which is the reason he divorced mom to begin with... lack of fulfilling happiness or maybe he/she just wasn't the right one. It happens. Dads are needed to teach our kids to be stronger self sufficient persons able to go out into the world and survive without having to live off of mommy and daddy forever. Moms are generally a little more practical world and are more nurturing and excusing, easier to get along with than the gruffer dads who feel the weight of the world from their children.
Okay, so to try to wrap this up, divorce does hurt dads too. Life after divorce doesn't need to be overly complicated and being buddies with your ex is NOT required in order for you to have a relationship with your children. All that is required is being a good parent regardless of what the other thinks. Beyond that follow the appropriate court appointed documents that were filed with the divorce, i.e. parenting plans. There may be the need to change this parenting plan from time to time as living situations change, new relationships are formed, and well, kids grow up... it's kinda inevitable... they will be able to make their own minds up and decisions later on and form their own opinions about dad and mom. It is just our job as dads to be supportive and understanding of this... it is just a matter of time. The time in between where we as dads feel the deficit of the deprivation of our children that is difficult. And we cannot fix the gaps of that dark abyss in just two short weekends a month. I have learned that it is kinda like a right of passage that when we as children become the adults, then and only then are we able to reconcile the differences in parenting from mom to dad... and one day we are able to say "I'm sorry" to our own parents for how we acted as children compared to how our own children now act toward us. Hindsight always catches up to 20/20. Even if we don't have the answers today, all we can do is try our best with what we have. Even the simplicity of a child's mind knows that... time and effort is all that matters. If only we could remember the lessons of youth and stop trying to over complicate things with our own egos as adults. This has been the Quiet Mouse.
Peace. Love. Respect. Understanding. Compassion. Effort.
When a man chooses divorce over trying to work it out, no matter how hard was tried, no matter how many times reconciliation was discussed and attempted, and no matter how much it hurt inside, he knew it needed to happen. There ARE men out there who abandon their responsibilities as a father and there are a LOT of single mothers out there now, many living off of government assistance. It is a different scenario entirely, however, when the man DOES indeed want to be part of his children's lives, but is precluded from doing so by a scornful ex wife. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. Often many think that it is just difficult for children and the mother, but it is often overlooked that the dad suffers equally, and even fewer take into the consideration of the effort put out by friends and family to mend the broken hearts of a failed relationship.
Two people, with the best of intentions make children together with love and the cycle of life begins anew. Relationships are strained by hardships and sometimes you find that the original reason you fell in love with someone no longer really applies or you discover that person is not the one. Sometimes you discover a whole new side to your partner that you didn't know was there. Life puts you through innumerable daily challenges that can make or break fragile emotional bonds. It doesn't mean that either one is a bad person if a marriage fails. It doesn't mean that there was a lack of effort, although that could be a factor too, I suppose. Some people just give up and stop trying, feeling as if the best efforts went in vain.
I hate that feeling when children are stuck in between two parents who don't get along. When feelings of betrayal, anger, and frustration take root it is sometimes hard to see past what you WANT TO BELIEVE. This isn't always in congruence with reality, sadly to say. Even if the father is not physically present (due to divorce from mom), that DOES NOT mean that he divorced the children too. This is often misperceived and is untrue in some cases. Again, yes there are some dads who abandon their kids, but it aint me, this fella. I love my children with a lot of heart and soul. I even felt like my heart got bigger when they were born. I am sorry for the behaviors that led they and I to this point where I rarely get to see them. I have tried to be strong for so long and I am afraid that a part of my spirit is broken, for I see no end to this misery in sight. I fear for the relationship deficit between my children and I, another state away, while I am out of sight and out of mind. It is worse when the mother is intentionally trying to sabotage the parent/child relationship out of spite.
Often the dads just give up because they are tired of fighting with the mom, full of false expectations of behavior when it is just enough for the child to have the father there spending quality time. Post divorce doesn't have to be a mountainous roadblock where the dad is left out of the picture and his needs of parent/child time are neglected. Dads can be strong and a good positive influence, I assure you and that time is vitally NEEDED by the kids, separate from the mother. Children NEED positive influence from both mother and father, despite divorce. It does more harm than good for a scornful mother to refuse the children to see their father, and dad's new girlfriend, who actually makes dad happy, which is the reason he divorced mom to begin with... lack of fulfilling happiness or maybe he/she just wasn't the right one. It happens. Dads are needed to teach our kids to be stronger self sufficient persons able to go out into the world and survive without having to live off of mommy and daddy forever. Moms are generally a little more practical world and are more nurturing and excusing, easier to get along with than the gruffer dads who feel the weight of the world from their children.
Okay, so to try to wrap this up, divorce does hurt dads too. Life after divorce doesn't need to be overly complicated and being buddies with your ex is NOT required in order for you to have a relationship with your children. All that is required is being a good parent regardless of what the other thinks. Beyond that follow the appropriate court appointed documents that were filed with the divorce, i.e. parenting plans. There may be the need to change this parenting plan from time to time as living situations change, new relationships are formed, and well, kids grow up... it's kinda inevitable... they will be able to make their own minds up and decisions later on and form their own opinions about dad and mom. It is just our job as dads to be supportive and understanding of this... it is just a matter of time. The time in between where we as dads feel the deficit of the deprivation of our children that is difficult. And we cannot fix the gaps of that dark abyss in just two short weekends a month. I have learned that it is kinda like a right of passage that when we as children become the adults, then and only then are we able to reconcile the differences in parenting from mom to dad... and one day we are able to say "I'm sorry" to our own parents for how we acted as children compared to how our own children now act toward us. Hindsight always catches up to 20/20. Even if we don't have the answers today, all we can do is try our best with what we have. Even the simplicity of a child's mind knows that... time and effort is all that matters. If only we could remember the lessons of youth and stop trying to over complicate things with our own egos as adults. This has been the Quiet Mouse.
Peace. Love. Respect. Understanding. Compassion. Effort.
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